dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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