Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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