Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
