she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
