why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
