I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
