She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
ttyl tear gas
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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