i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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