HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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