She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We smell like vodka and hangover
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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