what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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