and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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