why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
