It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
