Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
