the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
