I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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