Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
