I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
