It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize