If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
