haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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