final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
