i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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