Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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