Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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