what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
