Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
