cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
