After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
