Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
