I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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