Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Randomize
