I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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