can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
