It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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