Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
