Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
