Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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