I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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