My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
