3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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