The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
