Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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