Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
