well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
worst night to have a conscience
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
