You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
