Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
