you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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