the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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