It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
