i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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