My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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