If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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