i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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