He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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